Finally.
It's been hard to look at dead flowers laying on her grave. I've had the overwhelming desire to replace them with fresh flowers, but we've told we aren't allowed to. There are rules, and we are only allowed to put flowers in the vase on her headstone. That won't be placed for another 3 weeks or more. I cannot wait to buy that first bouquet to fill the vase. I hated seeing those dead flowers, but what I didn't expect was how hard it would be once they were gone.
The purpose of keeping them on for so long was to help with growing grass. They kept the hay from blowing away, and the hay covered the grass seed to keep the birds from eating it. I thought I'd feel better once grass had grown over the dirt, but I was so wrong.
As I stood over her grave looking at the grass beginning to grow, I wanted to rip it up.
She's hasn't been gone long enough for grass to be there.
As that thought kept running over and over in my mind, Hannah started walking from side to side picking up the random flowers that had dropped as they were removing the dead ones, and she was moving them aside. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me she didn't want them on her grave. Just like me, Hannah has hated the dead flowers. She asks me every time she is with us when we can bring new ones.
Standing there staring at the grass and watching Hannah move the dead flowers off to the side, this verse came to mind. Every Sunday it's recited after the scripture reading.
"The grass withers, the flower fades, But the word of our God stands forever." ~ Isaiah 40:8
I've been thinking about that verse since we left the cemetery. I guess you could say I've been stuck on it. The images of the new grass and the dead flowers run through my head like snapshots in a photo album. Even photographs fade ... as do memories.
But God's Word never does.
"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever." ~ Hebrews 13:8
His Word says He will never leave me.
" for He Himself has said, “ I WILL NEVER DESERT YOU, NOR WILL I EVER FORSAKE YOU,” ~ Hebrews 13:5
It also says He is near to the brokenhearted.
"The LORD is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit." ~ Psalm 34:18
I've always thought this verse meant He was only near to us in spirit. It's not like we are physically going to be near Him until we reach Glory.
Or are we?
I've learned since I first became sick four years ago that Jesus uses people to be His hands and feet. There have been more people than I can count who have been His hands and feet for me and my family over the past several years.
He never changes, and He continues to do the same today; just like He'll do the same tomorrow.
I was telling Robyn yesterday as we were having lunch about how much support and love the Lord has sent to us during this horrible time. We are covered in it. We are surrounded by people being His hands and feet every day.
I began to think about in what way has the Lord been the nearest to me in the past 3 weeks. He's been near through His people. He's been near through His Word, no doubt ... He keeps giving me the same verses over and over to sink my teeth into. He keeps proving Himself over and over to be faithful.
Yet, one thing speaks louder to my heart than anything else right now ...
My brother called me a couple of days ago to specifically share something with me the Lord had revealed to him. He had a dream the night before that had given him so much comfort and peace to his heart. I don't feel at liberty to share the details. It was his dream, and I've not asked his permission to share it with the world. I can tell you the Lord vividly showed him our Mama isn't dead.
She's very much alive with Him.
As He shared his dream and his heart with me, I began to weep. I was so grateful the Lord had laid it upon his heart to call and share with me. I needed to hear everything he said that morning.
“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." ~ John 3:16
She may have physically died here on earth, but her spirit lives forever in Heaven with our Lord Jesus.
I had the sweet opportunity to have a short conversation with Robyn's mom yesterday afternoon. Mama Jean ... I've called her that since we were kids ... and I talked about how comforting it is to know my Mama is with Jesus and how much peace it brings to my heart even in the midst of such grief. What a gift it is for the Lord to have allowed me to have that assurance!
Just another way He has been near to my broken heart.
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