Rest In His Grace, Mercy and Love

If I'm completely honest, I don't feel very thankful lately.  In fact, I've thrown some major pity parties.  I've been really sick for about 2 weeks now.  I've had a wicked virus that has knocked me down.  So much so, my weakness has increased to the point that just walking across the floor leaves my body shaking.  It's scary.  I keep wondering if this has kicked my CIDP into high gear ... which leaves me constantly wondering, "Will I be able to walk tomorrow?"

I haven't been this sick in a long time.  By the grace of God, I've managed to escape getting sick.  It's been almost 3 years since my last hospital admission.  I've been able to experience life out of the house more, and we were even able to let go of my homehealth nurses.  Things we good ... and fun.

And I took it all for granted.

And I miss my mama so much I can't stop crying today.  I just want to be able to pick up the phone and call her.

When does it get easier?

Does it ever get easier?

She loved the holidays.  She loved all of us getting together.  She loved family and having all of them in the same room.  Loud and crazy as it was, she loved it.  It's so hard to believe we are about to do Thanksgiving for the second year without her.  My heart still hurts so much.  It's still so raw at times.

And we've had another death in our family.  Nathan's uncle John passed early Saturday morning.  It's so hard to explain to our girls why so many people around us keep dying.  I don't even understand it myself.

John was precious, quick-witted and funny.  Hannah's sense of humor and quick-wit reminds me so much of John.  The past year was really hard for him.  He was so sick, and life was a constant struggle for him.  He is going to be greatly missed.  I worry about Nathan's grandfather.  He's almost 90.  I can't imagine loosing a child.

Life can be so hard to understand.  So many whys constantly go through my heart.

All I know is God is always good, and I am always loved.  I've had to say those words to myself a million times over.

God is always good, and I am always loved.

I have had to repeat this to myself so much lately because there have been moments doubts have crept into my heart, and I've wondered if He really loves me.  We have some really major stuff going on in our family right now.  Hard, hurtful things.  We had to make a life-changing decision last week that  will change what our every day life looks like.  We prayed for a long time about this decision, and we have a  complete peace that this is what the Lord wants us to do.  It's still scary though.  Full of unknowns.

Sunday night I sobbed and poured my heart out to Darryl.  Bless him.  Everyone needs a big brother like him.  He sat quietly and listened while I spilled my guts, and then said, "Robin, you are going to be okay."

I told him I didn't believe him.  He smiled and said, "I know you don't.  But I know the Holy Spirit that lives inside of you ... so I know you are going to be okay."

God is always good, and I am always loved.

Even though Darryl can't tell me my CIDP hasn't begun progressing again, he can still tell me that even if it is I'm going to be okay ... only because of Jesus.  Okay may not look like what I think okay should be, but I know He will never leave me or forsake me.  For some reason all this chaos and pain is for my good and His glory.  I just don't know what that reason is just yet.  I may never know this side of Heaven, but I can trust and hold tight to the One that created me.

I checked email a little bit ago and found an email Mary sent me this morning.  It read,

Robin,
Hope you are continuing to improve a bit each day.
Praying for you to rest well, to rest in the Lord, and to experience the joy thanksgiving.  
We will give thanks to God not because of how we feel, but because of who He is. Ann Voskamp
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/11/ending-the-stealing-of-thanksgiving-a-parable/

Love you,

Mary

"We will give thanks to God not because of how we feel, but because of who He is." ~ Ann Voskamp 

I don't feel like giving thanks.  I'd rather just wallow in the hard, hurts of life.  I'm just so tired, and wish life was different than it is at this very moment.

But as I scrolled through all the emails I have stacked up in my inbox, I found this one that was sent from Connie on Sunday.  She sent it to Mary and I.

Hey you two precious ladies : )
There was a song sung as a special in church this morning that I wanted to share with y'all. Hannah says it isn't new, (just new to me) ~ but the you tube video at one point seemed cheesy....so, I'm sending just the words. The melody is also very poignant...so hope you get to hear it at some point too : ).

Love y'all so very much. I am praying for you this holiday week. Miss worshiping with you.
hug each other from me.

"Your Hands"
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away

I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right

When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands

Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still

The YouTube video is a bit cheesy in places, but it's worth it to hear the melody of the song.  They actually play this song often on the Pandora station I listen to.

 

God is always good, and I am always loved. 

There is a lot of hurt around us right now.  In addition to all that is going on in our household, we have family and friends who are struggling with so many different things.  Hard things.  My prayer list is very long.  Life is full of uncertainty.  It hurts and is often scary.

I had a conversation with my friend Lacy last week about how our hearts so easily can be so full of fear.  But just as easily as we can have fearful hearts, we can always trust the Lord.  We can trust in the sovereignty of our Heavenly Father, and the love of the Jesus who died for our sins.  We can rest in knowing God is always faithful and trustworthy.  Nothing takes Him by surprise, and He is always in control.  He is always full of grace, mercy and love for His children.

"Praying for you to rest well, to rest in the Lord, and to experience the joy thanksgiving."

Rest in the LORD.  Rest in His love, mercy and grace.  Rest in the goodness of the perfect plan He has for your life.

I really do have much to be thankful for right now.  Even in the hard places of life there is much to be thankful.

God is always good, and I am always loved.

p.s. I strongly encourage you to read Ann Voskamp's blog post that Mary sent me the link to in her email.

Changing of Seasons

My daughter said something yesterday afternoon about needing sweaters and long-sleeved shirts for winter.  In the words of my dad, "Well, that'll be tomorrow."  He works outside year long, and he says he actually prefers hot weather.  He's so accustom to the heat, cooler weather seems cold to him.  I wouldn't call 58 degrees this morning winter, but it is much cooler today than it has been.  I am looking forward to the high only being 75 today.  I despise heat, but I also despise cold.  Because of my disease, heat makes me want to rip my skin off, and it makes it difficult to breathe.  Cold weather makes me hurt and ache all over.  A day where the high is 75 is perfect for me.

I've noticed the leaves are starting to change too.  Fall is definitely one of my favorite seasons.  I love the robust color and cooler days; although I'm not so fond of the Fall allergies that tend to plaque our house.  I love the break it gives us from the heat without it being too cold.  I love changing out clothes in the closet.

I was thinking this morning about what a beautiful day it is going to be today.  A great day to  begin the big 18th birthday celebration of my oldest daughter.  This afternoon we are taking her to have dinner with my husband's family, and this will be the first time they will meet her boyfriend.

Yes, for those of you who don't know, Sara has a boyfriend.  They met through his sister and mutual friends, and over a period of time grew fond of each other.  This sweet, young man came to Nathan and I and asked permission to date her.  You read that correctly.  He asked permission to date her.  Going into this meeting I wanted to not like him, but just the opposite happened.  He is so precious.  He loves Jesus, works a lot of hours and attends college full-time.  He has goals for his life, and seems to know what he wants to do.  He is so polite and respectful.  I know he has flaws, and I keep waiting to see them.  No one is perfect, but thus far, I've not seen anything that causes me to be alarmed.  Those of you who know me well know that is huge.

A lot of changes in our house lately.  For someone who isn't a fan of big changes, we've certainly had a lot of them the past few months.  It's been a bit more than my heart can handle some moments.  Watching our daughters grow and mature is always accompanied by mixed emotions.  I truly have loved every stage of their life, but at the same time, it has been sad to see the last stage leave as a new begins.

This morning I was thinking about all of the changes we've experienced lately, and thinking about how the season is changing ... the weather season, and the season of life we are entering right now.  This verse kept coming to my mind.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. ~ I Peter 5:10

I am so grateful for new seasons of life.  I know the hard seasons will eventually end.  Sometimes they are seemingly never ending, but they will end.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven ~ Ecclesiastes 3:1 

It feels like we have been living in a hard season of life for a very long time.  It's been tiresome and at times wearisome.  It's in these seasons I become even more grateful His mercies are new every morning.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;²³  they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” ~ Lamentations 3:22-24

Beauty for Ashes

It's been awhile.  I've been asked many times why I stopped blogging.  It was never my intent to completely stop blogging.  I just needed to take a short break so I could spend my time and energy on other things, and that short break turned into months.

The past several months have been incredibly hard for my family.  We've had to learn to trust the Lord in some really dark places.  We've shed many tears, and lost a lot of sleep.  We've asked "why?" over and over.  We've been fearful, and at times extremely angry.

It's been a long, hard season of life for us.  I'd love to share the details of all that has been happening, but the bulk of it just isn't my story to tell.  Maybe one day my daughter will give me permission to share, but for now, the Lord continues to write her story.  I see so clearly how He is orchestrating areas of her life to use her story in a mighty way.  Little pieces keep falling into place, and I don't even think she is fully aware of how He's preparing her for something big.  I don't know what that is or even what it's going to look like exactly, but I do know it's going to be a beautiful picture of God's unending grace and mercy.

Beauty for ashes.

Reflecting back over the past several months I am overwhelmed at just how much the Lord loves us.  We truly are blessed.  Yes, it's been a heart wrenching season.  A season of life that has put callouses on our knees, but it's been a season where we've been shown how the Lord provides for us in so many ways.  Provisions we don't even see until the moment is long past.

Once again, we've seen how blessed we are to have the friends the Lord has provided for us.  Friends who have prayed for us and WITH us.  Friends who have held us while we have wept, listened silently while we vented our frustrations and have reminded us the Lord is faithful and won't abandon us.  They have literally walked every step of the past few months with us.

They have been such a beautiful picture of the hands and feet of Jesus.  Loving us in precious ways throughout such difficult days.  Sacrificing their time and energy.  We are so blessed to have friends who are trustworthy.  Friends we don't have pretend to that everything is "fine" or "okay".  We can be real and honest.  We can trust them with our hearts.

Trust can be so delicate.  It's so easily broken at times, and once it's broken it can be harder to rebuild than it was to earn it .  I don't trust easily, and once it's broken it's near impossible to rebuild it with me.  I am so grateful we have friends who are trustworthy.

God never promised life would be easy.  He promised He would never leave us.  He promised to love us through it.

He is the most trustworthy.  He will carry us through this season when we are too weary and tired to walk, and He will use all of this for our good and His glory.

Right now it looks like a big pile of ashes.  One day it will be a beautiful picture of His love, grace and mercy.  Our tears won't be from broken hearts.  They will be tears of joy.

To console those who mourn in Zion, To give them beauty for ashes, The oil of joy for mourning, The garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; That they may be called trees of righteousness, The planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified.” ~ Isaiah 61:3

"God is always good, and I am always loved."  This is a quote from a Ann Voskamp bible study I lead at the beginning of this year.  A quote I have repeated in my heart a million times over.

Even in a hard season ... a season I pray ends soon ... we are so blessed.  God is good, and we are loved ... a love we don't even deserve.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. ~ Romans 12:12

Happy 14th Birthday, Hannah!!

Happy Birthday, Hannah!!

I can hardly believe you are 14.

And we just registered you for high school last night.  Where has the time gone??

Hannah girl, we love you so much, and you are so precious to us.  You've always proclaimed yourself as the princess of the family.

And although you and Sara argue on a daily basis ... sometimes hourly ... you are still royalty in her eyes.

Well, maybe that was taking it a little too far, but you are still her best friend.  Remember, she even said so in your Christmas gift this past year?

I think Alex might be a little jealous if he knew that because you seem to be his best friend, too.

Hannah, there are so many things about you that I love.

I love how you are never too cool to show your goofy side.

I love how you are always ready to have fun.

I love how you are always thinking about someone else, and what they might need.

I love how you are always finding a way to look your best.

I love that family is so important to you.

And that you love your mama enough to stand in freezing weather in the middle of snow before church to snap a picture she desperately wanted.

The past 14 years have gone by so fast.  I cannot believe how quickly it has gone by.

I cannot believe I am so much shorter than you ... and the rest of our family.

Hannah, I could write a list that went on for days about all the things I love about you.  You know how I've always said I love you from the tippy, tippy top of your head to the tippy, tippy bottom of your toes?  Well, I love you even more than that.

You never cease to amaze me by your determination.

Or how you are always just you.

And not embarrassed to wear ugly Christmas sweaters even when it's not to an ugly Christmas sweater party.

I love your confidence.

I love your quick wit.

And I love that God chose you to be a part of our family.  I am so grateful and honored to be your Mama.

I still cannot believe how fast you are growing up.

Happy 14th Birthday, baby girl!!  I hope today this your best birthday yet!!